(4 min read • Illustration by DALL-E)
Intern 1: Shit
Intern 2: ?
Intern 1: He can’t find his ivory and rhino horn backscratcher
Intern 2: Shit. Flip for it?
Intern 1: I guess it’s my turn since I’m the one that hid it
Trump: WHERE THE FUCKING HELL IS MY FUCKING BACKSCRATCHER!!!!??
Intern: Well sir—
Trump: I AM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF YELLING DO NOT EVER FUCKING INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM STILL YELLING DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND??!!! [pause]
Intern: Yes?
Trump: I AM STILL FUCKING YELLING!
Trump: AND FURTHERMORE THE EXACT REASON I HAVE BEEN YELLING FOR THE PAST HOUR IS
Trump: THE REASON IS
Trump: um
Trump: YOU! Why was I yelling at you?!
Trump: The democrats stole my backscratcher!!
Trump: This is a problem that can only be solved by violence. A very special beautiful kind of violence
Trump: The kind where I say stuff and other people get violent!
Trump: Nobody gets hurt!
Intern: …
Trump: Yup nobody
Trump: What do you mean I can get in trouble for things other people do just because I told them to do it
“Lawyer”: Well there are a lot of statutes that—
Trump: I SWEAR TO TRUMP I WILL NOT REST UNTIL EVERY STATUE IS CRUSHED INTO RUBBLE!!
Trump: I never told the suckers to attack congress!
“Lawyer”: You don’t need to say the exact words
Trump: Are you fucking kidding me? How can it be words?
“Lawyer”: …
Trump: Words are just sounds I make with my mouth
Trump: Like farting!
Trump: And as part of my announcement that I will be the next president of the United States, I will be introducing a new line of financial instruments, and I think you’re going to love them
Trump: We are going to remake justice and finance and who knows I may wet my beak
Trump: As your next president my treasury department will be issuing a new series of CLEMENCY BONDS, I call them pardon bonds
Trump: Buy them now at a discount and redeem them for FULL CREDIT toward a presidential pardon
Trump: It’s really a no brainer folks
Trump: In addition to being the best, most amazing way to invest in your future, we are going to put all the pardon bonds, from all across America, we’re going to put them into a market, and that market, that derivatives-based futures market will make us all so wealthy
Trump: As your next president I will be giving CASH DISCOUNTS for FAST PARDONS
Trump: Did you steal from the poor to get rich? Sounds like you may need a pardon!
Trump: I don’t give a shit where you stole the money from, just cut me in and you’ll be HOME FREE
TRUMP BRAND PARDONS
FAMOUS EVERYWHERE
YOU STOLE IT, NOW ENJOY IT
DISCOUNT FOR CASH
LOW LOW FINANCING
Trump: What do you mean I can’t have more of that stuff they gave me at the hospital?!!
Doctor: It’s quite expensive and we must ensure it goes to those most in need
Trump: That’s bullshit!! I got that shit in my veins every 72 FUCKING HOURS when I was king AND I NEED IT
Trump: When I was king of America I got respect from around the world!!
Trump: I could have beheaded peasants and then rolled their heads down that staircase thing they have at Times Square
Trump: Bounce bounce bounce
Trump: Why didn’t I do that when I had the chance?
Intern 1: He’s going through a lot of sharpies, what’s it this time?
Intern 2: “Those who will be made to eat dog shit first”
Intern 1: Is that part of his series on who gets beheaded when he resumes his rightful place on the throne of America?
Intern 2: Part 83
Trump: AINT NO PARTY LIKE A PATRIOT PARTY
Trump: GET UP AND DANCE WITH ME
Intern 1: Is he…
Intern 2: Twerking. Yes. Yes he is
Trump: IT AINT TREASON IF YOU WIN AND ALSO ARE THE KING
Interns: [unison] I can never unsee that
Trump: BREAK IT DOWN!!
Intern 1: Why is he making a music video? Who thought this was a good idea?
Intern 2: And why is it the tune of Achy Breaky Heart?
Chief legal strategist and top advisor and also good at crimes guy Rudy: Fuck if I know I was so fucking high that day TRUMP BRAND CRANK YO!
Rudy: OH MAN I AM SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW
Putin: Hello yes we establish that twenty minutes ago
Rudy: WOOOOOOO YAAAAAAA
Rudy: Just a sec
Putin: Are you hitting drug pipe again?
Rudy: OHHHH FUUCCCKK NOOOOOO MAN
Putin: I can hear your lighter
Trump: OK let’s hear this new slogan
Intern 1: FUCK YOUR STUPID LAWS AND MAKE ME KING
Trump: It sucks!!
Trump: Got it
Trump: FUCK YOUR STUPID LAWS AND MAKE ME KING AGAIN
Intern 2: Does he even know what a president is?
Trump: We are going to need 32 million hats embroidered with “FUCK YOUR STUPID LAWS AND MAKE ME KING AGAIN”
Trump: I want them made in the cruelest fashion possible
Trump: They still have baby seals right?
Trump: OK folks this is an emergency
Trump: Rudy lost the entire “election investigation fund”
Team of Idiots: [giggle]
Trump: He lost the ENTIRE FUND!!
Trump: How did this happen Rudy?
Rudy: It went into the vortex?
Trump: THATS RIGHT IT WENT IN THE FUCKING VORTEX!!!
Trump: What did I say about the vortex?
Rudy: To worship it?
Trump: And…?
Rudy: [mumbles]
Trump: I can’t hear you asshole
Rudy: To not fuck with it
Trump: DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. THE. VORTEX!!!!
Trump: [twitches]
Intern: Shh, I think he’s having the vortex dream
Trump: Before, I was a king
Trump: But with the power of this vortex, I shall become SUPER-KING!
VORTEX: You sure that’s what you want to go with?
Intern 1: I wonder why he keeps having that vortex dream
Intern 2: Maybe it’s that vortex down the hall
Intern 1: That’s probably it
Day 2 ~ Day 3 ~ Day 4 ~ Day 5 ~ Day 6 ~ Day 7 ~ Day 8 ~ Day 9
(4 min read • Illustration by DALL-E)
Intern 1: Shit
Intern 2: ?
Intern 1: He can’t find his ivory and rhino horn backscratcher
Intern 2: Shit. Flip for it?
Intern 1: I guess it’s my turn since I’m the one that hid it
Trump: WHERE THE FUCKING HELL IS MY FUCKING BACKSCRATCHER!!!!??
Intern: Well sir—
Trump: I AM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF YELLING DO NOT EVER FUCKING INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM STILL YELLING DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND??!!! [pause]
Intern: Yes?
Trump: I AM STILL FUCKING YELLING!
Trump: AND FURTHERMORE THE EXACT REASON I HAVE BEEN YELLING FOR THE PAST HOUR IS
Trump: THE REASON IS
Trump: um
Trump: YOU! Why was I yelling at you?!
Trump: The democrats stole my backscratcher!!
Trump: This is a problem that can only be solved by violence. A very special beautiful kind of violence
Trump: The kind where I say stuff and other people get violent!
Trump: Nobody gets hurt!
Intern: …
Trump: Yup nobody
Trump: What do you mean I can get in trouble for things other people do just because I told them to do it
“Lawyer”: Well there are a lot of statutes that—
Trump: I SWEAR TO TRUMP I WILL NOT REST UNTIL EVERY STATUE IS CRUSHED INTO RUBBLE!!
Trump: I never told the suckers to attack congress!
“Lawyer”: You don’t need to say the exact words
Trump: Are you fucking kidding me? How can it be words?
“Lawyer”: …
Trump: Words are just sounds I make with my mouth
Trump: Like farting!
Trump: And as part of my announcement that I will be the next president of the United States, I will be introducing a new line of financial instruments, and I think you’re going to love them
Trump: We are going to remake justice and finance and who knows I may wet my beak
Trump: As your next president my treasury department will be issuing a new series of CLEMENCY BONDS, I call them pardon bonds
Trump: Buy them now at a discount and redeem them for FULL CREDIT toward a presidential pardon
Trump: It’s really a no brainer folks
Trump: In addition to being the best, most amazing way to invest in your future, we are going to put all the pardon bonds, from all across America, we’re going to put them into a market, and that market, that derivatives-based futures market will make us all so wealthy
Trump: As your next president I will be giving CASH DISCOUNTS for FAST PARDONS
Trump: Did you steal from the poor to get rich? Sounds like you may need a pardon!
Trump: I don’t give a shit where you stole the money from, just cut me in and you’ll be HOME FREE
TRUMP BRAND PARDONS
FAMOUS EVERYWHERE
YOU STOLE IT, NOW ENJOY IT
DISCOUNT FOR CASH
LOW LOW FINANCING
Trump: What do you mean I can’t have more of that stuff they gave me at the hospital?!!
Doctor: It’s quite expensive and we must ensure it goes to those most in need
Trump: That’s bullshit!! I got that shit in my veins every 72 FUCKING HOURS when I was king AND I NEED IT
Trump: When I was king of America I got respect from around the world!!
Trump: I could have beheaded peasants and then rolled their heads down that staircase thing they have at Times Square
Trump: Bounce bounce bounce
Trump: Why didn’t I do that when I had the chance?
Intern 1: He’s going through a lot of sharpies, what’s it this time?
Intern 2: “Those who will be made to eat dog shit first”
Intern 1: Is that part of his series on who gets beheaded when he resumes his rightful place on the throne of America?
Intern 2: Part 83
Trump: AINT NO PARTY LIKE A PATRIOT PARTY
Trump: GET UP AND DANCE WITH ME
Intern 1: Is he…
Intern 2: Twerking. Yes. Yes he is
Trump: IT AINT TREASON IF YOU WIN AND ALSO ARE THE KING
Interns: [unison] I can never unsee that
Trump: BREAK IT DOWN!!
Intern 1: Why is he making a music video? Who thought this was a good idea?
Intern 2: And why is it the tune of Achy Breaky Heart?
Chief legal strategist and top advisor and also good at crimes guy Rudy: Fuck if I know I was so fucking high that day TRUMP BRAND CRANK YO!
Rudy: OH MAN I AM SO FUCKING HIGH RIGHT NOW
Putin: Hello yes we establish that twenty minutes ago
Rudy: WOOOOOOO YAAAAAAA
Rudy: Just a sec
Putin: Are you hitting drug pipe again?
Rudy: OHHHH FUUCCCKK NOOOOOO MAN
Putin: I can hear your lighter
Trump: OK let’s hear this new slogan
Intern 1: FUCK YOUR STUPID LAWS AND MAKE ME KING
Trump: It sucks!!
Trump: Got it
Trump: FUCK YOUR STUPID LAWS AND MAKE ME KING AGAIN
Intern 2: Does he even know what a president is?
Trump: We are going to need 32 million hats embroidered with “FUCK YOUR STUPID LAWS AND MAKE ME KING AGAIN”
Trump: I want them made in the cruelest fashion possible
Trump: They still have baby seals right?
Trump: OK folks this is an emergency
Trump: Rudy lost the entire “election investigation fund”
Team of Idiots: [giggle]
Trump: He lost the ENTIRE FUND!!
Trump: How did this happen Rudy?
Rudy: It went into the vortex?
Trump: THATS RIGHT IT WENT IN THE FUCKING VORTEX!!!
Trump: What did I say about the vortex?
Rudy: To worship it?
Trump: And…?
Rudy: [mumbles]
Trump: I can’t hear you asshole
Rudy: To not fuck with it
Trump: DO. NOT. FUCK. WITH. THE. VORTEX!!!!
Trump: [twitches]
Intern: Shh, I think he’s having the vortex dream
Trump: Before, I was a king
Trump: But with the power of this vortex, I shall become SUPER-KING!
VORTEX: You sure that’s what you want to go with?
Intern 1: I wonder why he keeps having that vortex dream
Intern 2: Maybe it’s that vortex down the hall
Intern 1: That’s probably it
Day 2 ~ Day 3 ~ Day 4 ~ Day 5 ~ Day 6 ~ Day 7 ~ Day 8 ~ Day 9