Friday July 15, 2022; 10:36 PM EDT
- (2 min read)#
- It's for your health, see? It can detect if you fall, and it will alert emergency services. But really it's just for you and your doctor. It tracks your temperature, and heart rate, and respiration, and blood sugars, and certain pregnancy-related hormones. #
- And of course it tracks all sorts of toxins, to let you know just in case. See, this light comes on if it detects anything harmful, like alcohol, or excessive caffeine, or refined sugar, or, well, anything at all! It's based on your specific medical needs, as agreed up on between you and your doctor. And the HMO. And the state legislature. And the bounty hunters. We wouldn't even have these bracelets without them! #
- Now, there are several kinds to choose from. Each has been certified by this great state, and I don't mind saying, is a brilliant piece of all-American engineering. I do not get kickbacks on any of these, it's just a simple system of referral bonuses. This one here, it's waterproof to 50 meters. Not that anyone in your condition—able to be pregnant!—would ever be allowed to dive to a depth like that. #
- And this brings me to something that people will overlook when picking out a bracelet like this one. Pretty, isn't it? Just like you! But tough, too. I can see you're brave. And nothing bad could ever happen to you. But I think it's important to know that this bracelet can really take a beating. I mean, God forbid, if you are ever attacked, this bracelet will survive anything.#
- Did I mention this bracelet will record the exact moment your pregnancy begins? Isn't that exciting? You can relive that moment, over and over, forever! No matter how something begins, it's always the journey, and the babies we make along the way. #
- And everyone will be here to help you! They'll all be notified within sixty seconds—your doctor, emergency services, this fine HMO, and the top five bounty hunter blockchains as required by the legislature of this great state. #
- I think we can all take great comfort in knowing that if anything ever happens to harm your ability to become pregnant, or any baby inside you from that very first instant, that within moments, hundreds of bounty hunters will be bidding for the rights to sue literally everybody within two degrees of separation—helping to pay for more bracelets just like this one! It's really a marvel.#
- Of course, you don't need to get one of these. I have no personal interest here, I just want to help you out. But if you don't get one here, you'll get one in the mail. Completely free of charge! You won't even need to sign for it, these things have GPS, so everybody will be alerted when it's delivered. I wouldn't bother throwing it out, personally, they'll just send you a new one, and use that against you. Well, not you, of course!#
- You like this one, huh? It's sparkly, just like you! Here, let's just slip it on. Yes, you can wear this when you go back to school. I bet lots of kids in the fifth grade will be wearing them this year!#